It's often a conversation killer. I'm at some social gathering of acquaintances or thrust into a social situation of some sort in which I know few people, if any. A new workplace, especially. We are making small talk. It's the usual: Do you have children? Where are you from? Are you married? What does you spouse do?
When I utter the words, "My husband is a pastor," there is a moment of silence, then a quick "oh really?" as a comment. Often I see the person scanning back through everything he or she said. I know what they are doing. They are trying to decide if they said something offensive, told an off-color joke, or uttered some sort of profanity. It happens about eight times out of ten, that someone begins to apologize to me for something that he/she said before it was known that my husband is a pastor. As if it should really make a difference. When the apologies start, my standard line is usually, "You do know, I'm not the Holy Spirit, right?"
My husband tried to warn me. He said it would happen when you marry a minister. I just didn't realize how often it would happen.
I've been known to use profanity. And I trade in vulgar jokes sometimes. I'm still a child at heart.
So I know where my vulnerabilities are. I also know when to be quiet, when not to talk because it might jeopardize him and his ministry. This is a balancing act -- being a minister's wife. But I'm me. I haven't become some holy women because I'm married to a minister.
And I hate it when people act as if I have. When the find out I'm a minister's wife, so they change who they are instantly.
I hate that.
I know it's shocking! After all, I am not wearing a jumper, I do wear make-up, and I am an educated, professional woman. I just blew your stereotype. And for the record, this pastor guy, with whom I share a house, a life, and a bed, is a pretty darn non-stereotypical human himself. He loves hiking and being away fromcivilization, he lives for Doctor Who, and one of his favorite songs of all times is by Nirvana. We're regular folk. He and I still have disagreements, we both get in bad moods, we have forgotten to pay a bill or two on time. He leaves the toilet seat up and I leave my shoes lying around. We think ill of others sometimes and simply find some people annoying and disagreeable. So don't feel like you have to be perfect around us, because the Lord knows (really) that we certainly aren't. I would much rather have someone be genuine around me than to pretend to be someone they are not because they think it makes them look better. I'm not an idiot -- I can nearly always see right through the veneer of perfection and pseudo-piety.
Yes, I know how to cook, and I love to do it. But not because I'm "a pastor's wife".
Recently, someone was afraid of being too crass withme because she thought that, being a minister's wife, she would need to tone down. She doesn't.
No one does.
Moral of the story? It doesn't really matter what my husband's job is. You wouldn't act differently is he was a physician or plumber or librarian or chef, so don't act differently because he's a pastor. You are still you and I am still me. We need to be authentic with one another to form real relationships. And I'm not judging, nor do I have a super-special relationship with God that's different than what you or anyone else can have, if you choose to do so. Let's just be real ... together.
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